Wednesday, April 21, 2010


21 April 2010
So it’s been almost a month since I have written anything on my blog. I’m slackin. I can’t say it has been a good month. Actually it has been very trying. I feel like I’m losing control and I can’t figure out where I went wrong and how to get it back. For the first time in a long time I'm questioning everything. I mean, I’m really questioning things. Where I’m going, what I’m doing, what I want. I can’t make any decisions. Usually I’m pretty good at making decisions. I usually have my mind made up before I even realize I have a decision to make. It’s not like they are big decisions. I have to decide whether or not I want to get my dogs balls cut off and if I want to cut my hair or let it grow out a little bit. Why can’t I come to a conclusion about these stupid decisions? For lunch I can’t decide what I want so I just get a little bit of everything. I hate that! I hate that I can’t make a decision for myself. Is this part of PTSD? If it is, it freaking sucks! I wish that there were something I could have removed from my brain. Like a deadly tumor. If it were just something someone could just cut out I would cut it out myself and be done with it.
So now, lets talk about my Vow. I have failed. Well maybe not, but in a way I have. The ultimate kick start to making my life better has been successful for the most part. The doctor said I needed to relieve some frustrations. Also in my Psychology class the teacher said that one of Maslow’s theory’s was that women back in the day were troubled and suffered from mental issues because of there lack of sexual satisfaction. My teacher said that theory is probably wrong but I got me thinking. Could Maslow be right? Could I be making myself crazy by denying myself? Closing my self off from nature’s human needs? So needless to say I did it. I mean I took care of business. Honestly I’m going to be straight forward. My life has become a lot more complicated ever since I gave in to my Natural human desires. I almost feel as if I am being punished for breaking my Vow. I don’t regret anything. I just wish I would have made a few better choices.
So what to do now? I haven’t quite figured that out yet. I’m sure that once I figure out what options I have I won’t be able to make a choice, because of the recent developments in my decision making ability’s. So I think it is safe to say that as of right now I’m pretty much up the creek without a paddle. Time to just go with the flow and hope I end up with my head above water.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Did you see that?

24 March 2010
Hallucinations, you would thing I would be used to them by now.
The last one I had was right after Brandis and I split up. I had the whole police force out on the highway looking for a man I thought was lying on the side of the highway. I can still remember. Dusty steel toed work boots, dirty blue jeans and what looked to be a blue flannel shirt. The thing was however, this guy didn’t exist. By the time I turned my truck around to go help this guy who was laying there, he was gone. The police looked all up and down the highway. On the dirt roads and out in the fields. This so called man was no where to be found.
Then tonight of all nights, I was driving back from Reno with a friend. On the side of the road I saw a man in rags struggling to get up off the pavement. I mean he was really struggling. I thought for a moment and started to grab my phone. I slowed down. I was going to call 911 and try to help this guy out. Then flashbacks of the embarrassing incident from before played in my head. I asked my friend if she saw that. She said what? I said that “Coyote” on the side of the road. She said there was nothing on the side of the road. She didn’t see anything. I dropped her of at her place and went back to the hwy where I saw the man. There was nothing there. Not even a blanket or something that could explain what I saw.

Nope I’m just losing it. Again…

You know the people at the VA say its normal and to be expected. How do you explain that to all those police I sent out there looking for a man lying on the side of the road that doesn’t exist and never existed?

Go Back

I want to go back, where worries are simple. I just need to do my job and survive. It’s not because I want to serve my country. I’ve done that. It’s not so one of my brothers won’t have to go. No, it’s nothing heroic like that. I want to go back because it hurts to be here. I don’t feel right, I don’t fit in. Sometime I think my family would be better off. You know if I was over there doing my job, doing what I’m good at. Over there I had no worries. Here I wonder what’s going to happen next. I sent home money and my bills were paid. Someone did this for me. Hell I made enough money I could ease my family’s struggles also. I could take care of them. Instead there taking care of me. Over there I just did my job and lived my life without a care. Shit, my girlfriend left me while I was over there but I was too busy to care. That felt good. At home, when I found out my girl was off living her new life with her knew man, it nearly killed me. I can still see the scars. I’m lucky I haven’t gone into one of those drunken downward spirals that you can’t get back up from. I’ve come close though. But not over there. Over there I was something someone needed. I want to go back to get away from home and the people here. I’m not like them. I don’t know them and they don’t know me. It’s almost as though we speak a different language. I want to get away from the type of people who complain because they can’t find the right color purse to match their shoes, or they lost cell phone coverage for an hour or so. They annoy me. I don’t care because my boots will always match my weapon. There are far bigger things to consume my time, like when am I going to have a warm shower, and are they going to drop bombs on our heads again tonight?

I want to go back so I don’t have to think about how crazy I am for wanting to go back. I want to go back so I feel normal.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Sex Stress

23 March 2010
So, I enjoy the absence of “Sex Stress”. That is the uncomfortable feeling of. (Should I make the first move? Is she going to make the first move? Dose she want me, do I want her? Really do I want this?) Nope none of that and it feels great. I hung out with a wonderful young lady and her two daughters tonight. We had a good time. Walking the dogs and just hanging out. It was fun. They made me laugh, and smile. I haven’t done that much lately. I think the best part was when the girls went to bed and it was just her and me watching a movie on her couch. It is times like that when the stress gets high and the awkward moments begin. I realized I didn’t have to do anything and that was ok. There was no pressure. I wasn’t ignoring the movie thinking and wondering. Does my breath smell ok? Am I fresh enough? Does she want me? Nope, there was none of that. Instead I sat there with her and enjoyed sitting with her and enjoyed the movie. There were none of those awkward moments where I thought she expected me to do something. For the first time in my life I sat next to an attractive woman I haven’t known for very long and didn’t think about sex. Well ok not possible but it didn’t consume me and control my actions. No, I sat there and enjoyed the movie and her company. That felt great. I mean I felt great. I left her house smiling, not wondering if I did anything wrong. This is fun, and meeting new people without the “Sex Stress” is even better.

Thank you VOW

Monday, March 22, 2010


22 March 2010
Ahh! So the challenge of finding a blog of some one I know on here proves to be quite the adventure. I never realized there was no way of just browsing blogs by topic, or interests. It’s kind of lame actually. I went from viewing my blog to the next blog that was about how Jesus loves everyone but the people that don’t fit his mold. Really? I almost feel offended that this blog came right after mine. I got over it quickly because I accept everyone’s flaws and I’m not going to let something as petty as that ruin my day. Not that I’m having a great day but I don’t want something like that ruin it.
Today is the first day of my vacation and I am bored out of my mind. It’s terrifying actually. Idle hands don’t sit well with me. I need to be doing something. I need to have a plan of action. So my plans.

Plan A: Go to California and see my father, my baby sister who is like only 2 years old, and see my sister who I haven’t seen in, man something like three years or so.

Plan B:
1. Clean the house. Front to back.
2. Take the dogs to any body of water that I can find and let them get as dirty as possible.
3. Work in the garden. Weather permitting.
4. Annoy my sister as much as possible.
5. Annoy my niece even more!!

Well Plan A fell through. I had a few run-ins with bad luck. My truck had some issues. Then the whole broken tooth thing was a stopper to my plan. Now I plan on going in June when I take vacation again. So I must now settle with Plan B. I hope it works. I hope this list I have just created occupies my time enough that I don’t go bonkers during my vacation.

Plan C: I haven’t figured it out yet but I think it involves some duct tape, a brown and purple mini elephant, some Tabasco sauce, me and a gallon of 10 weight motor oil.

I really hope Plan B works out for the elephant’s sake.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


11 March 2010
Ok so for real it’s only been thirty eight days. That’s not a very long time when you look at it. It has felt like a lifetime to me though. I’ve grown a little and learned a few things. I have a lot more growing and learning to do though. I’ve learned I don’t need her anymore, and that is a big deal for me. I’m thankful for the memories but I’m not going to dwell on the way things worked out. I truly believe I can and will do better. That feeling is so exciting.
I am learning that the things I wanted before are not as important to me as I thought they were. I don’t need kids. I’m almost thirty. I’m not going to stop it if the opportunity comes up, but I’m not going to fight to make it happen anymore. I don’t want to make decisions based on weather or not I want kids. I almost made a big mistake letting my want of children control my decision making. If it is meant to happen it really will. I believe that. But the desire to have children is no longer going to run my life. I love learning who I am. I think I learn something new about myself every day and it is exciting.
As for the rest of the Vow things are going great. I love talking and meeting new people and not wondering if I'm going to sleep with them. That’s such a free feeling. I like meeting new people and talking to them about things instead of making it my new mission to get them in bed with me. Now the food part; Well Gluten free is a tuff diet, I have definitely experienced my weaknesses. I have broken down and given in. I’ve felt bad for it, but I’m still working on it. I’m not starving anymore and that’s good. Everything else is great as well. I give strangers compliments pretty much every day. I don’t swear as much, and I much more happy than I was only two months ago. I’m living and enjoying living.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010



With the smell of wet grass coming in one nostril and out the other Smee stood there and waited in anticipation. Is to day the day she thought? Company! Atten-chun! The whole company snaps to attention. PVT Smee front and center! The 1SG yells. Moving First Sergeant! Smee yelled back. Today must be the day she thought. The excited clap of hard boots stinging the cement could be heard through out the whole formation and several buildings down as Smee ran up to the front of the formation. She snapped into the stiffest position of attention she has ever stood in, and waited. As the 1SG and the Commander walked up she greeted them both with a crisp clean salute and put her hand back down after they put there’s down. The 1SG signals the clerk to read the orders.
Attention to Orders!
The Secretary of the Army has reposed special trust and confidence in the patriotism, valor, fidelity, and professional excellence of Amy Smee. In view of these qualities and her demonstrated leadership potential and dedicated service to the U.S. Army, she is therefore, promoted from Private third class to Specialist. Effective date 01 October 2001

Company stand at, Ease! The 1SG yells. SPC Smee About Face! She turns around and looks at the proud faces of her peers. Lets everyone give Smee a round of applause for a job well done! The 1SG says. Go ahead and go back to your platoon Smee. With that Smee ran back to her platoon. After formation the platoon marched off to their own area where the platoon sergeant formed them all into the Gauntlet formation. SPC Smee stood at the mouth of the gauntlet. Fresh rank pinned to the collar of her blouse. No dammits covering the posts because this was the real tradition and everyone knew it. Smee was excited, nervous and scared at the same time. This was her first time in the Gauntlet. This was the first time her promotion mattered. She stepped into the mouth watching all of the eager eyes. She counted the numbers quickly and almost unconsciously. Thirty, soldiers thirty, fists. The Gauntlet was fifteen soldiers deep. One soldier on each side of the gauntlet forming the walls. Each one were pumping fists and cracking knuckles. Each one was ready to welcome there new specialist to the platoon. The first two fists land almost at the same time drilling the posts deep into the flesh of her collar. The next two were not quite in sink; one hit the collar bone the other right on point sinking the posts even deeper into her chest. Then another hit, and another. Some only hit her arms; however most of them hit her collar. With every fist she could feel her flesh warm. In between hits she could feel a cool dampness of blood. It was ok though. This felt great. She felt proud and it poured though her veins and filled the blood that was trickling out of her chest. Another two hits. The one that hit her collar bone stung from the last time her collar bone was hit. Its ok, it’s a good pain. Pain is weakness leaving the body she thought as she fought to walk though the gauntlet. Some hits were hard enough to knock her back a step. She kept pushing. She could see the end. Only a few fists left. The hits on her collar didn’t seem to hurt as much anymore. The skin must be numbing. A couple more hits and someone stops her. SGT Bowers. He looks at her with his tobacco filled grin. He reaches down and pulls her collar away from her chest pulling the posts out of her flesh and re positioned it. With an open hand he slapped the posts into fresh skin. She instantly felt chills run down her spine and grinned up at him. He wrapped his arms around her picked her up, gave her a hug and put her back down. Two more she thought. The hits sank into both sides and she smiled more. The last two were right upon her now. They were the squad leaders. This was the moment she was waiting for. She looked at SSG Salcedo ignoring the blow from the first Squad leader it stung but it was ok. SSG Salcedo put his hand on her shoulder. He looked at her and said I’m proud of you Specialist Smee no one deserves this more than you. With that He put his thumb on her rank and pushed the posts deep into her skin. They both smiled. She was proud; she felt tightness in the back of her thought but held it in. Soldiers don’t cry after all.
When she got back to her room she pulled the posts out of her skin and removed her blouse. Blood stained her brown tee shirt were her rank had sat. She peeled the blood soaked tee shirt off and looked at herself in the mirror. Her skin still had goose bumps where her rank sat. Two holes on one side four on the other. She looked at her body. Bruises had already started forming. This is why I joined the army she thought as she grinned back at herself through the mirror.

This is just my first draft. It still needs lots of work!!


9 March 2010
I feel amazing today. I feel free! Free from drama. I feel like a whole new me and it feels great. I can’t explain exactly why but it is such a great feeling. I made some decisions today and I think it was one of the best things I have ever decided for myself. Yay for Smee!! OK there I go tooting my own horn.
I love smiles. I never realized how much I love smiles until some one showed me how amazing smiles were. Here are some interesting facts…
1. When someone smiles in is universally known as an expression of happiness which is recognized by almost all cultures.
2. There are over 18 different types of smiles that are used in a variety of social situations. For instance, people can use a smile to say a hello, and they can also use a different type of smile to show their understanding of a particular situation.
3. A frown uses more muscles to contract and expand then a smile does.
4. A smile is one of the most used human facial expressions. Smiles can use between 5 to all 53 muscles. (Now I know why my face hurts after I’ve been smiling all day)
5. Smiling releases endorphins and makes us feel better, even when you fake a smile you can feel better.
6. A person that smiles more is deemed to be more pleasant, sincere, attractive and more sociable then a non-smiling person.
7. We are born with the ability to smile; it is not something that we copy. For instance, even blind babies are able to smile.
8. Newborns tend to have more preference for a person with a smile then a person that is not smiling.
This information was retrieved from:

So I think we all need to smile more. So next time I see you, you had better be smiling!!

Monday, March 8, 2010


8 March 2010
Its now day 2,003,542… Ok maybe not. It feels like it though because I’m guilty today. Tonight I went on a binge. A corn dog macaroni and cheese, pistachio salad, and cheese cake. Man I really don’t know what came over me. I mean I didn’t eat it all only a few bites of each but man. I felt like a fat slob hiding a dirty little secret. I felt like on of those fat kids that hides candy bars under their mattress and has a backup stash behind the toilet. I feel so ashamed. I don’t even want to look at the mirror or step on the scale right now. I feel like I need to go have my lashings for the sins I have just committed. Holy crap if I was still in the ARMY I would have to do non stop pushups for three weeks to make up for that mess.
Ok ok enough with my food drama. I’m going back to Tae Kwon Do. I think this should be real good for me. Not to mention I miss the crap out of all the people there. Well the ones that are still there. Its one of the few things in my life that is a constant. Or close to a constant. I’ve been doing Tae Kwon Do ever since I was a wee one. I got into it real big when I was like thirteen though. I left it to go into the military, and then I came back and got into it again. Then I got out for some reasons I might not mention but I think this is truly something I need to do to be my good Smee. “Whoever that is”

Sunday, March 7, 2010


07 March 2010
Oh how I wish I could get lost in her eyes. Their beauty simmers my restless soul. I long for one of her warm and tender hugs that ease all the aches in my body. I want to get lost in her sent and walk in dreams to the sound of her angelic whisper. Oh how I miss her smile and daydream about her laugh.
Oh ok well hmmm. It’s been a wile since I have written anything. Life has been way crazy. Today was a great day, or at least a great evening. She, she makes me smile in ways I never knew I could. Things were awesome! That was until I got that call. The boys... It sucks but I think I was probably the last to find out. I guess that’s the deal now. Soon I won’t even get a courtesy call any more if something happens. Is sucks and it stings pretty freaking bad but I guess that’s what breakups are all about. You don’t just breakup with your girl friend you break up with the whole family. Man I’m so over dating chicks with kids. That crap hurts too damn bad even after the fact. It hurts even more so when you’re the last one to know when something really big happens.
I was losing weight but I think I balanced out. I lost all I'm going to lose by changing my diet. Now I need to get out there and work my ass off… Literally ha ha!! Oh ice baths and tiger balm here I come ready or not.
So the doctor said I need to relieve the frustration and things pent up in my head in order to sleep and to get rid of my headaches. I’m sure I know what she was implying. Ok it was plain obvious. I think it’s kind of funny really. I should have expected something along those lines from her. I mean this is the woman who said my tattoo was wicked and laughed and said my happy trail was cute. This inspired me to shave it for the first time. Yes this is the doctor at the VA. I can only imagine what she says to her other patients. So I need to do a lot of searching right now. What do I really need to do for myself? What am I getting out of this whole thing? DO I really need to go without? Or was that just my stepping stone to bigger and better missions within my life.
So in efforts of picking myself up and dusting myself off, I have decided that I need not try to think about the past. It’s all about the future for me now. I’m so over the past. It hurts too damn much. Tomorrow is a new day with a new smile on the face of the sun.

Thursday, February 25, 2010


25 February 2010
So my truck makes this annoying Ding! Ding! Ding! Sound all the time. It’s horrible. I think it’s some type of short or something. Ding ding ding!!! For seven years it has made this stupid Ding ding ding!!! It’s always worse when its hot Ding ding ding!!! The dome light stays on while it Ding ding dings!!! Also. It’s the door ajar alarm. But it stays on when my door is closed Ding ding ding!!! Seven years!!! Seven Ding ding ding!!! Annoying years. Today however with a trusty can of WD40 I fixed it. Yes that simple. No diagnostics! No mechanic! Nope just a freaking can of WD40 in the door latch and my seven year problem is fixed within seconds!!!
Oh some good news. I have had a break in my headaches. Tonight I am headache free. I feel like running ten miles and climbing to the top of Mt Rainer. This is such an awesome feeling. I’m not tired, and I don’t feel like crying. Oh and to make things even better I’m going to go eat some Oscar Meyer cheesy filled wieners. My favorite. Tonight is a great night. I feel like I’m on cloud nine. No headache for me. I hope this sticks!...
Well not to long after I wrote this and before I posted it. I cooked my hotdogs. While fixing them I was crunching on a pickle. I bit the crap out of my tongue ring and broke a chunk of one of my molars off. Freaking great. How do they fix that type of stuff? I swear it’s like one of my most common nightmares come true. My teeth break and then fall out. Well I’m not sleeping now. This sucks.
It’s amazing to me how quickly moods can change. One minute you’re on cloud nine, the next your living one of your nightmares. Crap there goes my perfect teeth. Well I guess its not living in Nevada until your missing teeth right?


I wish I could say a worse word than crap right now!! OOHH stupid VOW!!!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


24 February 2010
So the doctor was a joke. They were so busy he didn’t even give me more than 45 seconds of his time. Hey I guess that’s life in the VA. So instead he gave me some pills and the hope of surviving until my next appointment on the fifth. If my head lasts that long I might not skip out on this appointment. I guess I was supposed to see my primary care in November. I’m so tired of doctors, tests and un-answered questions. I don’t even know why I go. They never figure anything out. They just set up more tests and make me wait…In pain… for another month or two, until they can set up some type of other test.
Screw it. I’m done with the doctors. I’m going to create my own medicine. It involves lots of beer, women, a bagpipe, and an elephant. Ha Ha Ha. Maybe not, but hey it makes me smile just thinking about it.
So my progress, well it’s ok. Life is life. I’m living and learning lessons. I know not to let the drama get the better of me. I’m tired of the drama filled life. I really feel like I’m in an episode of the L-word a lot of the time. I don’t even want to watch that show anymore and it used to be one of my favorites.

Life worth living is a life filled with love right?

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Previously Happy

So I was actually happy at one point in my life. That was so long ago I hardly remember it now. Happiness seems to be only a figment of my imagination. Yes I was happy, before this. I was happy before I made the biggest mistake of my life. Some think it was the best decision of my life, but that is only because they were scared of me. Or really they were scared of what would have happened to me. Little do they know the day I left, “June 30 2006” the day I fulfilled my contract was the worst day of my life. From that point on my life would never be the same again.
The day after the worst day of my life is merely a blur to me. Honestly I only remember bits and pieces. I was so depressed and it was so insignificant to me. That day just doesn’t matter. Neither does any of the days since to be honest. That day there was a BBQ to celebrate my fresh liberation, but I wasn’t much in the celebrating spirit. Instead I got drunk and probably got into a fight. But I don’t remember it. Since then life has honestly sucked.
I have left all of my close friends. I feel like I have abandoned them. Jen and her beautiful spirit. Sarah and her bright smile. My friends then were the closest that I have ever had. I left them to pursue this new wonder full hell I currently call life. I have fought more with my family and friends than ever before. I have nothing but more financial trouble than I ever have in my life. Drama has consumed every part of my soul and I wish I could just let go.
My life started the day I joined the ARMY. My life ended the day I left.

Monday, February 22, 2010

In response to a question from a friend

Well hmmm

This is a good situation to step back from my "all about me world" and ponder the wonder of a straight women’s mind. I have to admit I am so fascinated by the way you type of women think about things. You guys are your own special and unique breed. That’s not a bad thing. I think it is some of my attraction to straight women.
This man you spend time thinking about, he should be honored that you spend so much time wondering about what exactly his true intentions are. I’m learning about myself that I don’t wonder what women want to do with me. I just go along for the ride.
Now I’m not a man but some men say I’m am manlier than they are. I normally take that as a compliment. I believe with most men there is a time where he looks at himself and thinks. Ok where am I going with my life and what do I want. This happens much later in life for men then women. I believe for women it happens while they are tearing their way out of the womb at full speed ready to take on life. For men however I think it probably happens in there late twenties early thirties. Which is the time most men “or at least they used to” start settling down and have children.
The problem is men are all shapes and sizes and come in many different varieties, and flavors. Not one man is the same as the others.
I would like to say things that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I would like to ease your mind a bit, but I don’t think I can. I can tell you, however what I have seen in my experiences… Which by the way are mostly military experiences.
Men in there early twenties ether get married early and cheat on their wives, or they stay single and screw anything that walks. It is a rare few that marry and actually stay faithful. As they get older the look for “The One” the girl that takes them home and takes care of them. But you and I both know this is a farce. They actually end up finding their equal. When men turn about thirty, or so, if they haven’t found “The One” weather they have been married before or not that stare to get nervous. They get worried that they are going to get old and become in adequate. They become foolish and reckless, and jump into situations that may not normal. As they get older they start to have the mid life crisis situation where they become extremely reckless. I think I lost my point now.
My point is where ever this man is in his life will dictate what he wants from you. Does he live in his own place? If he dose he might be looking for long term. If he lives with roommates or with his parents or someone else chances are he is still just looking for a good time. Dose he have a stable job he has been working at for a wile now, or dose he jump around from job to job still? A stable job indicates he is looking at his long term goals. Unless he just likes money. How dose he act with you around friends? Dose he introduce and make it known that you are on his mind and make it a point to show he is there with you or at least interested? Or does he just chill and let you do your own thing? Leaving you to yourself shows independence and maybe not looking for the long tern.

With my couple of weeks to clear my head I haven’t found all the answers, or any answers for that matter. I’m not sure why I’m really doing it. I’m more confused now than when I started it seems. But my advice would be to take things day by day. What ever is supposed to happen will happen. If you enjoy him and he enjoys you. Then enjoy your time now. And if there is a future between you this time will help it grow. If there is not… Well hey at least you had a good time while it lasted right.

This probably dose not help your situation, but maybe it gave you something to read while you were bored.

Have a great day

Friday, February 19, 2010

Ouch YO!!!

19 February 2010
So day four or five with the headache now. I’m tired and cranky. I’m tired of my freaking head hurting. Ok it hurts so bad I can’t write tonight. Maybe tomorrow. If this isn’t gone by Monday I’m going to the doctor.

Thursday, February 18, 2010


18 February 2010
Day three… Or is it four? Living with this Monjormus headache is killing me. (Monjormus is a combination of Monstrous and Gynormus) (Gynormus is a combination of Gigantic and Enormous) This headache has made me cranky. I have missed two classes, and I’m grouchy. Now its working its way into my neck which leads me to believe it is just a Monjormus tension headache. I have eaten sugar with no relief. Caffeine should not be an issue at this point, and the no glucose thing shouldn’t be an issue either. I had a bun tonight as an experiment. Actually I found that instead of my normal three hot dogs I can only barely finish one. Woohoo!! Honestly it’s not a hot dog without the bun.
So my only thought is that the lack of frustration relief is now affecting me physically. Is this headache a tension headache that is being caused because I can’t relieve certain frustrations??? Hmmm I wonder. I am going to have to do some research now. Can the lack of “sexual stimulation” cause physical pain? I only wonder this because I had a bit of a slipup two nights ago and my headache was gone for a couple hours. It wasn’t with someone. I was alone and it was quick. But were the hormones it released enough to relieve my headache? This is even more curious thinking back now because in Iraq when I was in situations where I couldn’t release I came down with what I thought were crazy migraines. I just thought it was the heat. The more I ponder this issue the more I remember times where I went without, and I remember the times I suffered long term painful, almost migraine type headaches and I think the timelines match up. I may have to go talk to my doctor about this… This vow may be hazardous for my health. Oh No!!!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


16 February 2010
Writers block today, and all week. I am supposed to write something for my English class. It’s due tomorrow. I’m at a loss though. I have no inspiration or motivation to write something productive right now. Is this writer’s block? It must be. It sucks. Even tonight I’m having troubles trying to find something to write about.
My sister made me gluten free Mac and cheese. It was ok, a little grainy though. Now I have a crazy headache. I wonder if there is a connection. Probably not. It’s probably just because I’m trying so hard to pull a story out of my brain that just doesn’t want to come out. Man I hope I get out of this funk soon!

Monday, February 15, 2010


15 February 2010
So I just finished watching Dexter. It’s the only show my mother and I watch together. I’m sure we watch it for different reasons. I like the sick humor, gore and suspense. I’m sure the ever so hot Rita Bennet (Julie Benz) and Debra Morgan (Jennifer Carpenter) has nothing to do with why I watch. My mom though, she likes all of the forensic type cop shows, and I’m sure she doesn’t mind watching the way yummy and “gorgeous” Dexter Morgan (Michael Hall). I have to say for a man something about him is crazy sexy… Maybe not. Maybe it’s just the way he uses his hands… To chop up bad guys Ha Ha!!
So as for as my progress, I have to say I’m pretty happy with myself right now. I weighed in on January 31st. I weighed 215lbs… Yuck. Yesterday I weighed in at 194 lbs… Yay. I’m pretty stoked about that. Looks like my diet of rice, fruits, veggies, and chicken has really paid off. I have yet to get out there and do some hard core exercise though. I think that once I hit 175lbs it shouldn’t hurt my hip so much to go for a run or work out. So until then, its light exercise and a strict diet for me. I do have to admit something though. I came home to the wonderful smell of blueberry muffins…EEK!!! I gave in. I know how could I right? But that is a serious weakness. Luckily those are only made in this house once a year or so. Unless of course I’m the one who makes them. Oh my sister I love her but she cannot cook blueberry muffins while I’m still weak. I blame her!!! No not really. That is probably one of the reasons my stomach hurts so bad today. Good cooking is going to kill me.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

The day before...Valentines Day

13 February 2010
So today is another day down and a lot more to go on my new adventure. Its day two billion and fifty one…. Ok not really but that’s kind of what it feels like.
Love is in the air and all the men are buzzing about making sure they find the gift that tells their lady “please baby don’t put me in the dog house” or this one is better “ hey how about some one on one time baby”… I think Valentines Day is a day to tell someone you love them. Well every day is that day, but V-day is the one special day that you can go all out for that special someone and makes them feel super special. (Ok that was kind of girly!!!) For guys it’s the one day that if you plan everything right. You just might seal the deal right? Ha yeah.
So at work tonight it seemed like the women would come through the line with a card or two. That’s it, nothing special, no candy or stuffed animals. The men though, man they spent the big bucks. Flowers, candles, stuffed animals, oh and don’t forget the candy oh and the flower petals for touch. You know I didn’t see one woman buying flowers. If I did it was an old lady buying a potted plant because she wanted it for herself. Its kind of messed up that only men have to do all the work, and women can get by with just a card. I don’t think there is any such thing as a dog house for women. It just doesn’t exist. I really feel bad for those guys. Oh well I guess one of the bonuses to being a man is they have to do all the stressing when V-day comes around. Not me, not this year. Thank you Vow!!!

Thursday, February 11, 2010


11 February 2010
So finally… Finally!! I finally gave a stranger a compliment! Yay! Well actually I gave two people compliments. The first was a lady wearing a cowboy hat pin on her blouse. It was big red and shiny. It caught my eye and I said “wow that’s a pretty cool pin you have. Where did you get it?” She looked down and touched and said “well I don’t remember where I got it but thank you” It made me smile as it did her. It felt good to make a stranger smile like that. Then later there was this older man who was looking to check out. I walked up to him and said she “as in Pam” would be happy to check him out. I walked him over and I said something along the lines of “here we go check stand number one for our number one customers” and his eyes lit up and he smiled all sorts of big and we continued to have a conversation. I learned he is a great grandfather. He has lots of children grand children and great grand children. His great grand daughter is 21 and is about to make him a great great grand father and he still feels young even though he is in his eighties. I told him he doesn’t even look old enough to be in his eighties. It was a nice conversation. I guess it wasn’t as scary as I thought. So I’m getting there. The first few steps are hard but I hope with an honest effort and practice I will soon be on my way to a better me!!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


10 February 2010
Two too many Venti Vanilla Chi lattes with soy milk and my head is spinning full of ideas!! So today is day what ever it is. I know its way too soon to lose track right. Well it’s the 10th so it must be day ten. I decided today that a year is awful long. Some of what I’m beginning with my vow I hope I will keep up with for the rest of my life. Like the compliment every day to a stranger... This by the way is my most difficult task. Then there is the eating healthy and losing some un-needed weight. Things like those are the ones that I hope to make my life long journey “to be a better me”. But the big not so big one-“I’m speaking of the Vow to sustain from sexual stimulation”. Well a year is very long. So I made myself a deal. My “VOW” of chastity will be satisfied in one of two ways. First the original plan. 1 February 2010 to 1 February 2011. After one year my vow will be satisfied. Or two when I move out and can support myself. I like this. I think is a motivational tool to finally get off my Ass and do what I have needed to do for a long time. I think this is an outstanding goal and the reward is great also. What are the best rewards? Food and Sex right? Well food doesn’t fit in with my new life plan, but the other one might just be the motivation I need to jumpstart my new life. So My Abstinence will end after a year or when I get out on my feet which ever comes first. I’m pretty confident in myself right now actually. I think I’m making good grown up decisions for the first time in a long time.

Well now I need to meditate and try…. I said try to get some much needed sleep.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

9 February 2010

9 February 2010
Tonight is going to be short. I have to go to bed soon. I work wayyy early in the morning. I have to be awake at 1:30 in the AM. I hate these early mornings. They drag on. But I do get off early. My day ends when most people’s days begin. This should help with my issue I have now. My desires that have a mind of their own while I sleep… I should be too tired to dream or even think by the time I’m done. Oh here I go to surrender to my dreams…

Monday, February 8, 2010


8 February 2010
Where do I begin? I’m happy! I just want to say thank you to my amazing supportive friends. You guys have such strong supportive words. Thank you ladies. Ladies that is strange all by itself. The fact that at this point in my life I have more woman friends than male is a complete reverse from just a few years ago. The whole time I was in the ARMY my male friends always out numbered the women in my life. At one point I said that I really don’t like women. The only thing I liked about them was the way they looked and the way they smelled. No my closest friends were all men. My boys. It’s strange how things change. I guess now that I’m not in the ARMY and I’m not surrounded by ARMY “girls” you know the ones who give women or “Chicks” in the ARMY a bad name. I guess I can actually like a number of women and actually establish a friendship with them. Before there were only a select few that were allowed in the circle. So I just wanted to say thank you to those women who are now my friends and I hope will be my friends for some time to come. Ok I know that is kind off the subject of the VOW… But I just wanted to say thank you. Your support makes me stronger and makes this whole thing easier!!!

Sunday, February 7, 2010


7 February 2010
Between yesterday and today things are getting harder. Ok I think I’m ok with the food. I have cravings but that’s normal. Soda I don’t even give a second thought to… That is unless I’m tired and need a little caffeine fix. Then a Mtn. Dew looks simply scrumptious.
My problem right now is the no sex part. Ok I know not being allowed to have it is harder and more tempting. But man I need some physical connection. I mean I want a hug. I want to kiss those soft sweet smiling lips. I need to feel those lips against mine. I want to smell her sweet scent. I want to feel her hair brush against my cheek. I need to feel the warmth of her body next to mine. Oh I think I’m making a mistake. I really do. I haven’t even been in this for more than a week and I’m having second thoughts. I’m trying to figure out what I expect to discover about myself throughout this whole year. What am I going to figure out? That I love women? That I want her? Who is HER? I think I know. But am I right? Who knows? I just know what is here and now, and right now I think I am making a mistake. I need to better myself. I want to be a nicer, better, happier person. But do I really need to cut out Intimacy? Do I need to stop any chance of being with that person who might make me the happiest? What if she is who I’m waiting for to be that happy person I want to be? What if it’s her that will fill this void I have in my life? Do I have the right to put fate on hold because I had a bad year? I don’t know. A week into it and I seem to have more questions, and the answers seem to be even farther away than before.


5 February 2010
Ha Ha Ha.
Well today is day five. I have to say this whole thing is starting a little easier than I thought it would. I’m hungry all the time. I’m certainly not eating as much. One reason is I don’t know what to eat or really what I can eat. I jumped into this no glucose diet like a fool. I didn’t do my homework. I didn’t research what I could eat or where I can find it. Shame on me. Hey just a little bump. I can figure it out I’m sure. No soda is great. I barely miss it. Sugar I think is the hardest. Seems like every time I turn on the T.V. the stupid Kit Kat song is on or the one where the lady is lusting for a milky way. Since I got home and turned on the T.V. at 3:30 I’ve counted 3 kit Kat commercials and 4 other commercials one was the lady lusting the candy the other three were the girls getting their nails done and the 3 musketeers floating away. It is now 5:19 The T.V. is not meant to be watched by people on a diet. Hey but I’m tuff I can resist. Hey this is fun and exciting I think. I am discovering most of my weaknesses. They seem to show up only when you don’t want them to.


2 February 2010
TEMPTATION… What is this word? Temptation? Ha I laugh in the face of temptation. Well not really but it makes me feel better to say that. My biggest reminder of Temptation is knowing that I can’t have something. That makes me want it more. So I’m doing well. No soda actually I haven’t had any in quite a wile now since last weekend or something like that. The eating part is coming along. Yesterday I gave two people compliments. Just not strangers. I’m nervous I think, to give a complete stranger a compliment. I need to work on that. Now the sex part. Well I can’t say I haven’t thought about it. I have a lot. I’m ok though. It’s harder when you look into the eyes of some one you connect with on that level and say to yourself. “Umm no you are on your silly little vow so you can’t even think about that killer…” Ha ok well maybe not those words exactly but hey it sounded good right? “It was more like geese what am I doing? Is this really what I want or need to do to myself for a whole year!!??” Its only day two though. I have a lot more conflicts in my head to battle out before this is all over. Let’s just see what tomorrow brings.

The Beginning… The VOW

A year is so long

This past year I met a new friend, we became very close.
This past year Brandis and I got back together and I pushed my friend away.
This past year I gave her a ring, she moved to California. A couple months later she and the boys moved in with me.
This past year she gave me a ring and then we split up. She moved out on her own.
This past year we both started school and we got back together. Then we split up again.
This past year I re-established the friendships that diminished, and met some new friends. This past year my sister had one of the worst days of her life. Then she got a divorce and began to find herself again.
This past year I have watched my niece grow from a toddler into a young woman. We hold grown up conversations.
This past year I fell in love and then fell out, and then fell in love again.
This past year I have slept with three women which are minimal compared to the years before. I wouldn’t change that though.
This past year I felt like I lost my soul, and then began to find it again.
This past year I cried, laughed, kissed and hugged.
This past year I said more hurtful things than I should have.
This past year I figured out who was a true friend and who was not.
This past year I changed my degree twice. I’ve taken nine classes and dropped two.
This past year I drank much less and cried much more than I ever have.
This past year I have been out of work and worked my but off.
This past year I have been in more physical pain than some feel in there life time.
This past year I have been jealous and have not cared.
This past year I’ve felt hate, then hated myself for feeling it.
This past year I got out of the military and I think I regret it.
This past year I’ve lost some weight and gained some weight but still weigh the same.
This past year I’ve gained trust and lost trust. I’ve trusted someone with everything and trusted the same with nothing.
This past year I’ve cursed everyday and given complements not nearly as much.
This past year I’ve spent most of my time with a frown on my face.
This past year I’ve feared age and also feared not seeing the next day.
This past year I’ve fought love and fought to leave.
This past year I’ve fought with my mom and wish I could change that.
This past year I’ve lost myself
This next year…. I’m going to find myself

This next year I am going to be making a lot of changes in my life. Some people know some of what I’m talking about. My “VOW”. Well that’s not the only thing I’m changing. Yes I plan on sustaining from any sexual stimulation for a year. It’s going to be hard but I’m going to do it. I am also going to make some other changes. I’m going to make at least one compliment a day to a stranger. I’m going to not curse as much. I’m going to eat healthier. This means I’m not going to eat candy…as much. I’m going to not drink soda. I’m going to exercise more. I need a way to channel my negative energy, and temptation. Exercise seems best. I want to focus on happy things more. Not the bad ones. I’m sure there is more I just can’t think of right now. I will be updating regularly, to help keep myself on track.

So hear I go. Tomorrow when I wake up I will be waking up to the new me. A new road.

February 1st 2010