Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Did you see that?

24 March 2010
Hallucinations, you would thing I would be used to them by now.
The last one I had was right after Brandis and I split up. I had the whole police force out on the highway looking for a man I thought was lying on the side of the highway. I can still remember. Dusty steel toed work boots, dirty blue jeans and what looked to be a blue flannel shirt. The thing was however, this guy didn’t exist. By the time I turned my truck around to go help this guy who was laying there, he was gone. The police looked all up and down the highway. On the dirt roads and out in the fields. This so called man was no where to be found.
Then tonight of all nights, I was driving back from Reno with a friend. On the side of the road I saw a man in rags struggling to get up off the pavement. I mean he was really struggling. I thought for a moment and started to grab my phone. I slowed down. I was going to call 911 and try to help this guy out. Then flashbacks of the embarrassing incident from before played in my head. I asked my friend if she saw that. She said what? I said that “Coyote” on the side of the road. She said there was nothing on the side of the road. She didn’t see anything. I dropped her of at her place and went back to the hwy where I saw the man. There was nothing there. Not even a blanket or something that could explain what I saw.

Nope I’m just losing it. Again…

You know the people at the VA say its normal and to be expected. How do you explain that to all those police I sent out there looking for a man lying on the side of the road that doesn’t exist and never existed?

Go Back

I want to go back, where worries are simple. I just need to do my job and survive. It’s not because I want to serve my country. I’ve done that. It’s not so one of my brothers won’t have to go. No, it’s nothing heroic like that. I want to go back because it hurts to be here. I don’t feel right, I don’t fit in. Sometime I think my family would be better off. You know if I was over there doing my job, doing what I’m good at. Over there I had no worries. Here I wonder what’s going to happen next. I sent home money and my bills were paid. Someone did this for me. Hell I made enough money I could ease my family’s struggles also. I could take care of them. Instead there taking care of me. Over there I just did my job and lived my life without a care. Shit, my girlfriend left me while I was over there but I was too busy to care. That felt good. At home, when I found out my girl was off living her new life with her knew man, it nearly killed me. I can still see the scars. I’m lucky I haven’t gone into one of those drunken downward spirals that you can’t get back up from. I’ve come close though. But not over there. Over there I was something someone needed. I want to go back to get away from home and the people here. I’m not like them. I don’t know them and they don’t know me. It’s almost as though we speak a different language. I want to get away from the type of people who complain because they can’t find the right color purse to match their shoes, or they lost cell phone coverage for an hour or so. They annoy me. I don’t care because my boots will always match my weapon. There are far bigger things to consume my time, like when am I going to have a warm shower, and are they going to drop bombs on our heads again tonight?

I want to go back so I don’t have to think about how crazy I am for wanting to go back. I want to go back so I feel normal.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Sex Stress

23 March 2010
So, I enjoy the absence of “Sex Stress”. That is the uncomfortable feeling of. (Should I make the first move? Is she going to make the first move? Dose she want me, do I want her? Really do I want this?) Nope none of that and it feels great. I hung out with a wonderful young lady and her two daughters tonight. We had a good time. Walking the dogs and just hanging out. It was fun. They made me laugh, and smile. I haven’t done that much lately. I think the best part was when the girls went to bed and it was just her and me watching a movie on her couch. It is times like that when the stress gets high and the awkward moments begin. I realized I didn’t have to do anything and that was ok. There was no pressure. I wasn’t ignoring the movie thinking and wondering. Does my breath smell ok? Am I fresh enough? Does she want me? Nope, there was none of that. Instead I sat there with her and enjoyed sitting with her and enjoyed the movie. There were none of those awkward moments where I thought she expected me to do something. For the first time in my life I sat next to an attractive woman I haven’t known for very long and didn’t think about sex. Well ok not possible but it didn’t consume me and control my actions. No, I sat there and enjoyed the movie and her company. That felt great. I mean I felt great. I left her house smiling, not wondering if I did anything wrong. This is fun, and meeting new people without the “Sex Stress” is even better.

Thank you VOW

Monday, March 22, 2010


22 March 2010
Ahh! So the challenge of finding a blog of some one I know on here proves to be quite the adventure. I never realized there was no way of just browsing blogs by topic, or interests. It’s kind of lame actually. I went from viewing my blog to the next blog that was about how Jesus loves everyone but the people that don’t fit his mold. Really? I almost feel offended that this blog came right after mine. I got over it quickly because I accept everyone’s flaws and I’m not going to let something as petty as that ruin my day. Not that I’m having a great day but I don’t want something like that ruin it.
Today is the first day of my vacation and I am bored out of my mind. It’s terrifying actually. Idle hands don’t sit well with me. I need to be doing something. I need to have a plan of action. So my plans.

Plan A: Go to California and see my father, my baby sister who is like only 2 years old, and see my sister who I haven’t seen in, man something like three years or so.

Plan B:
1. Clean the house. Front to back.
2. Take the dogs to any body of water that I can find and let them get as dirty as possible.
3. Work in the garden. Weather permitting.
4. Annoy my sister as much as possible.
5. Annoy my niece even more!!

Well Plan A fell through. I had a few run-ins with bad luck. My truck had some issues. Then the whole broken tooth thing was a stopper to my plan. Now I plan on going in June when I take vacation again. So I must now settle with Plan B. I hope it works. I hope this list I have just created occupies my time enough that I don’t go bonkers during my vacation.

Plan C: I haven’t figured it out yet but I think it involves some duct tape, a brown and purple mini elephant, some Tabasco sauce, me and a gallon of 10 weight motor oil.

I really hope Plan B works out for the elephant’s sake.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


11 March 2010
Ok so for real it’s only been thirty eight days. That’s not a very long time when you look at it. It has felt like a lifetime to me though. I’ve grown a little and learned a few things. I have a lot more growing and learning to do though. I’ve learned I don’t need her anymore, and that is a big deal for me. I’m thankful for the memories but I’m not going to dwell on the way things worked out. I truly believe I can and will do better. That feeling is so exciting.
I am learning that the things I wanted before are not as important to me as I thought they were. I don’t need kids. I’m almost thirty. I’m not going to stop it if the opportunity comes up, but I’m not going to fight to make it happen anymore. I don’t want to make decisions based on weather or not I want kids. I almost made a big mistake letting my want of children control my decision making. If it is meant to happen it really will. I believe that. But the desire to have children is no longer going to run my life. I love learning who I am. I think I learn something new about myself every day and it is exciting.
As for the rest of the Vow things are going great. I love talking and meeting new people and not wondering if I'm going to sleep with them. That’s such a free feeling. I like meeting new people and talking to them about things instead of making it my new mission to get them in bed with me. Now the food part; Well Gluten free is a tuff diet, I have definitely experienced my weaknesses. I have broken down and given in. I’ve felt bad for it, but I’m still working on it. I’m not starving anymore and that’s good. Everything else is great as well. I give strangers compliments pretty much every day. I don’t swear as much, and I much more happy than I was only two months ago. I’m living and enjoying living.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010



With the smell of wet grass coming in one nostril and out the other Smee stood there and waited in anticipation. Is to day the day she thought? Company! Atten-chun! The whole company snaps to attention. PVT Smee front and center! The 1SG yells. Moving First Sergeant! Smee yelled back. Today must be the day she thought. The excited clap of hard boots stinging the cement could be heard through out the whole formation and several buildings down as Smee ran up to the front of the formation. She snapped into the stiffest position of attention she has ever stood in, and waited. As the 1SG and the Commander walked up she greeted them both with a crisp clean salute and put her hand back down after they put there’s down. The 1SG signals the clerk to read the orders.
Attention to Orders!
The Secretary of the Army has reposed special trust and confidence in the patriotism, valor, fidelity, and professional excellence of Amy Smee. In view of these qualities and her demonstrated leadership potential and dedicated service to the U.S. Army, she is therefore, promoted from Private third class to Specialist. Effective date 01 October 2001

Company stand at, Ease! The 1SG yells. SPC Smee About Face! She turns around and looks at the proud faces of her peers. Lets everyone give Smee a round of applause for a job well done! The 1SG says. Go ahead and go back to your platoon Smee. With that Smee ran back to her platoon. After formation the platoon marched off to their own area where the platoon sergeant formed them all into the Gauntlet formation. SPC Smee stood at the mouth of the gauntlet. Fresh rank pinned to the collar of her blouse. No dammits covering the posts because this was the real tradition and everyone knew it. Smee was excited, nervous and scared at the same time. This was her first time in the Gauntlet. This was the first time her promotion mattered. She stepped into the mouth watching all of the eager eyes. She counted the numbers quickly and almost unconsciously. Thirty, soldiers thirty, fists. The Gauntlet was fifteen soldiers deep. One soldier on each side of the gauntlet forming the walls. Each one were pumping fists and cracking knuckles. Each one was ready to welcome there new specialist to the platoon. The first two fists land almost at the same time drilling the posts deep into the flesh of her collar. The next two were not quite in sink; one hit the collar bone the other right on point sinking the posts even deeper into her chest. Then another hit, and another. Some only hit her arms; however most of them hit her collar. With every fist she could feel her flesh warm. In between hits she could feel a cool dampness of blood. It was ok though. This felt great. She felt proud and it poured though her veins and filled the blood that was trickling out of her chest. Another two hits. The one that hit her collar bone stung from the last time her collar bone was hit. Its ok, it’s a good pain. Pain is weakness leaving the body she thought as she fought to walk though the gauntlet. Some hits were hard enough to knock her back a step. She kept pushing. She could see the end. Only a few fists left. The hits on her collar didn’t seem to hurt as much anymore. The skin must be numbing. A couple more hits and someone stops her. SGT Bowers. He looks at her with his tobacco filled grin. He reaches down and pulls her collar away from her chest pulling the posts out of her flesh and re positioned it. With an open hand he slapped the posts into fresh skin. She instantly felt chills run down her spine and grinned up at him. He wrapped his arms around her picked her up, gave her a hug and put her back down. Two more she thought. The hits sank into both sides and she smiled more. The last two were right upon her now. They were the squad leaders. This was the moment she was waiting for. She looked at SSG Salcedo ignoring the blow from the first Squad leader it stung but it was ok. SSG Salcedo put his hand on her shoulder. He looked at her and said I’m proud of you Specialist Smee no one deserves this more than you. With that He put his thumb on her rank and pushed the posts deep into her skin. They both smiled. She was proud; she felt tightness in the back of her thought but held it in. Soldiers don’t cry after all.
When she got back to her room she pulled the posts out of her skin and removed her blouse. Blood stained her brown tee shirt were her rank had sat. She peeled the blood soaked tee shirt off and looked at herself in the mirror. Her skin still had goose bumps where her rank sat. Two holes on one side four on the other. She looked at her body. Bruises had already started forming. This is why I joined the army she thought as she grinned back at herself through the mirror.

This is just my first draft. It still needs lots of work!!


9 March 2010
I feel amazing today. I feel free! Free from drama. I feel like a whole new me and it feels great. I can’t explain exactly why but it is such a great feeling. I made some decisions today and I think it was one of the best things I have ever decided for myself. Yay for Smee!! OK there I go tooting my own horn.
I love smiles. I never realized how much I love smiles until some one showed me how amazing smiles were. Here are some interesting facts…
1. When someone smiles in is universally known as an expression of happiness which is recognized by almost all cultures.
2. There are over 18 different types of smiles that are used in a variety of social situations. For instance, people can use a smile to say a hello, and they can also use a different type of smile to show their understanding of a particular situation.
3. A frown uses more muscles to contract and expand then a smile does.
4. A smile is one of the most used human facial expressions. Smiles can use between 5 to all 53 muscles. (Now I know why my face hurts after I’ve been smiling all day)
5. Smiling releases endorphins and makes us feel better, even when you fake a smile you can feel better.
6. A person that smiles more is deemed to be more pleasant, sincere, attractive and more sociable then a non-smiling person.
7. We are born with the ability to smile; it is not something that we copy. For instance, even blind babies are able to smile.
8. Newborns tend to have more preference for a person with a smile then a person that is not smiling.
This information was retrieved from:

So I think we all need to smile more. So next time I see you, you had better be smiling!!

Monday, March 8, 2010


8 March 2010
Its now day 2,003,542… Ok maybe not. It feels like it though because I’m guilty today. Tonight I went on a binge. A corn dog macaroni and cheese, pistachio salad, and cheese cake. Man I really don’t know what came over me. I mean I didn’t eat it all only a few bites of each but man. I felt like a fat slob hiding a dirty little secret. I felt like on of those fat kids that hides candy bars under their mattress and has a backup stash behind the toilet. I feel so ashamed. I don’t even want to look at the mirror or step on the scale right now. I feel like I need to go have my lashings for the sins I have just committed. Holy crap if I was still in the ARMY I would have to do non stop pushups for three weeks to make up for that mess.
Ok ok enough with my food drama. I’m going back to Tae Kwon Do. I think this should be real good for me. Not to mention I miss the crap out of all the people there. Well the ones that are still there. Its one of the few things in my life that is a constant. Or close to a constant. I’ve been doing Tae Kwon Do ever since I was a wee one. I got into it real big when I was like thirteen though. I left it to go into the military, and then I came back and got into it again. Then I got out for some reasons I might not mention but I think this is truly something I need to do to be my good Smee. “Whoever that is”

Sunday, March 7, 2010


07 March 2010
Oh how I wish I could get lost in her eyes. Their beauty simmers my restless soul. I long for one of her warm and tender hugs that ease all the aches in my body. I want to get lost in her sent and walk in dreams to the sound of her angelic whisper. Oh how I miss her smile and daydream about her laugh.
Oh ok well hmmm. It’s been a wile since I have written anything. Life has been way crazy. Today was a great day, or at least a great evening. She, she makes me smile in ways I never knew I could. Things were awesome! That was until I got that call. The boys... It sucks but I think I was probably the last to find out. I guess that’s the deal now. Soon I won’t even get a courtesy call any more if something happens. Is sucks and it stings pretty freaking bad but I guess that’s what breakups are all about. You don’t just breakup with your girl friend you break up with the whole family. Man I’m so over dating chicks with kids. That crap hurts too damn bad even after the fact. It hurts even more so when you’re the last one to know when something really big happens.
I was losing weight but I think I balanced out. I lost all I'm going to lose by changing my diet. Now I need to get out there and work my ass off… Literally ha ha!! Oh ice baths and tiger balm here I come ready or not.
So the doctor said I need to relieve the frustration and things pent up in my head in order to sleep and to get rid of my headaches. I’m sure I know what she was implying. Ok it was plain obvious. I think it’s kind of funny really. I should have expected something along those lines from her. I mean this is the woman who said my tattoo was wicked and laughed and said my happy trail was cute. This inspired me to shave it for the first time. Yes this is the doctor at the VA. I can only imagine what she says to her other patients. So I need to do a lot of searching right now. What do I really need to do for myself? What am I getting out of this whole thing? DO I really need to go without? Or was that just my stepping stone to bigger and better missions within my life.
So in efforts of picking myself up and dusting myself off, I have decided that I need not try to think about the past. It’s all about the future for me now. I’m so over the past. It hurts too damn much. Tomorrow is a new day with a new smile on the face of the sun.