Decisions

21 April 2010
So it’s been almost a month since I have written anything on my blog. I’m slackin. I can’t say it has been a good month. Actually it has been very trying. I feel like I’m losing control and I can’t figure out where I went wrong and how to get it back. For the first time in a long time I'm questioning everything. I mean, I’m really questioning things. Where I’m going, what I’m doing, what I want. I can’t make any decisions. Usually I’m pretty good at making decisions. I usually have my mind made up before I even realize I have a decision to make. It’s not like they are big decisions. I have to decide whether or not I want to get my dogs balls cut off and if I want to cut my hair or let it grow out a little bit. Why can’t I come to a conclusion about these stupid decisions? For lunch I can’t decide what I want so I just get a little bit of everything. I hate that! I hate that I can’t make a decision for myself. Is this part of PTSD? If it is, it freaking sucks! I wish that there were something I could have removed from my brain. Like a deadly tumor. If it were just something someone could just cut out I would cut it out myself and be done with it.
So now, lets talk about my Vow. I have failed. Well maybe not, but in a way I have. The ultimate kick start to making my life better has been successful for the most part. The doctor said I needed to relieve some frustrations. Also in my Psychology class the teacher said that one of Maslow’s theory’s was that women back in the day were troubled and suffered from mental issues because of there lack of sexual satisfaction. My teacher said that theory is probably wrong but I got me thinking. Could Maslow be right? Could I be making myself crazy by denying myself? Closing my self off from nature’s human needs? So needless to say I did it. I mean I took care of business. Honestly I’m going to be straight forward. My life has become a lot more complicated ever since I gave in to my Natural human desires. I almost feel as if I am being punished for breaking my Vow. I don’t regret anything. I just wish I would have made a few better choices.
So what to do now? I haven’t quite figured that out yet. I’m sure that once I figure out what options I have I won’t be able to make a choice, because of the recent developments in my decision making ability’s. So I think it is safe to say that as of right now I’m pretty much up the creek without a paddle. Time to just go with the flow and hope I end up with my head above water.