Friday, July 22, 2011

Going Soft

Going Soft

I swear I’m turning into a girl. Well figurative speaking because I am already a girl. I mean thought why I’m thinking more like a girl than I usually do. I find myself more masculine minded. I think and act like a man. I have feelings and thoughts just like a man would. In the army I used to joke with my male buddies that I had bigger balls than them. Now, well at least today I feel very woman like, sensitive and emotional.
I work in a grocery store. Not very exciting I know but it is a job and it does pay the bills… Well at least some of them. That’s not the point though. Right now we have this promoting going where if you buy groceries you earn one stamp. Ultimately that stamp (if you collect enough) is redeemable for free or very highly discounted pots and pans. Here is the catch; you must buy ten dollars worth of groceries to earn one stamp.
Here is where I find myself girly:
This afternoon…
I was in my check stand checking out customers instead of doing my job, which today would be working the floor. Right now we are understaffed. Today is day I’m not sure of working to many days in a row. I’m tired, sore and probably a little cranky. A friendly old lady came into my line. I did the usual “How are you today? Did you find everything ok?” Then I asked “would you like to Donate to” Blah Blah Blah. She didn’t answer. Her eyes were fixed to the green stamps that were attached to the lanyard that I was putting around my neck. She asked about how to get them. She knew the program and what they are redeemable for just not sure how to get them. I answered quickly “you have to spend ten dollars to get them” She had only spent seven. “Ok” she said with her eyes still fixed to the stamps. She fumbled for money and I gave her, her change and receipt. Wished her a good day and sent her on her way.
No big deal right? Well this is where it gets girly...
If someone would have done to my grandmother what I did to her I would be mad. All she wanted was one little green stamp. We have plenty. People pass on stamps all day long. So there were extras to give. Why didn’t I give her one? That was probably the only reason she had come in today. The guy after her earned four and didn’t want them. I feel like if I would have given her that one stamp she would have smiled. Instead policy got in the way of compassion and humanity. I wish I could tell her sorry and give her, her stamp.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Sewer soup

Sewer soup… There is nothing like walking in from your lunch break and finding yourself wading in pools of sewer water that stretch down the length of the frozen and dairy aisles.
The thought of standing in someone else’s waste products never really sat well with me, however the thought of sanding in a puddle of hundreds of other peoples waste makes me feel downright nasty. Then the smell, oh the foul smell of death and a rotting old man’s cologne about knocked me out.
I’m not sure what was worse, walking thru the puddles of brown slimy water or the thought of accidently slipping and ending up swimming in the mess. I stepped lightly; I pulled my pants up so they didn’t accidently drag thru the stew and splash the mix up my leg.
I needed the floor cleaner. On my way to the back I heard the voice of a young girl ask her mom what that disgusting smell was. I was convinced that the smell was penetrating our entire inventory of fresh food. I got the floor cleaner and started sucking up the mess. The machine moving the sludge around made the smell worse. I became dizzy.
As I got more and more light headed I felt myself lose my footing. I tried to brace on the machine, but as I did I pulled the handle and that made it speed up. I lost one foot and felt the other slipping. I let go of the machine and it surged forward ramming into a rack of jarred pickles. The rack collapsed. Glass, pickle juice and pickles joined the mess of shit that was already on the floor. Soon so would I. I fought the slide of my foot and over did it. Suddenly both my feet were behind me and I could feel myself falling. I looked down at the spot where my body was going to land. There was nothing I could do, nothing to reach for, and nothing to break my fall. I was going down full force and nothing was stopping me.
I threw my hands in front of me to block my fall. Glass tore thru the palm of one hand and a pickle blocked the other causing my wrist to roll. My knees hit with a splash and my thighs followed. Soon my chest was hitting the muck. I made one last attempt to avoid my face hitting the foul liquid but failed. As my lips nose and face hit the soup I let out a grunt that was followed by a sharp inhale, which sucked up sewer shit from hundreds of people and pickle juice into my mouth and lungs.

What a great day to work at a grocery store.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

A new day

July 3, 2011: 2:29am
So it has been well over a year since I have written any type of blog. Well actually it’s been a while since I have written anything that does not involve something technical for my GIS classes. I feel out of place, rusty and full of insecurities. My grammar and spelling show a lack of practice. The words don’t seem to flow like they used to. Every sentence seems like a battle.
So why now, we ask? Is it because I need to vent? Is it because I need to tell someone who really isn’t listening a deep dark secret that has been troubling me for most of my adult life, Or am I just bored silly at 2 O’clock in the morning and I have nothing better to do? I would say none of the above, or maybe all of it. I don’t really know why I have the sudden urge to tell this silly computer what I do in my spare time.
Back then my blog had a purpose. I used it to work out some of the things that were bothering me at that point in my life. That point is so much different than where I am right now. I was reading some of my older posts and couldn’t help but laugh at myself. If I could only show myself a glimpse of the future I wouldn’t believe where I am right now.
Where am I right now? Well, I still live at my parent’s house, even though I have owned my own house since September 2010. Do I have a fear of leaving the comfort of my parent’s home? Maybe, or maybe not. I have an awful lot of work to do at the place and it is very overwhelming. I go over there and look at everything that needs to be done and it makes me sick. My work is never ending. Most of it can be done while I live there. I just have a few humps to cross before I can move in though. The TOXIC mold living in one of the rooms is one of them, the leaking the roof that makes it feel like it is raining is the other. The leak is so bad it is almost like the rain skips the clouds and land directly on my floor. This is the third problem. There is soggy wood all over in that room.
My house is not the only change in my life. I am now engaged to a beautiful woman. She is amazing. She gives me the strength to work my ass off to get where we need to be so we can soon move into the house. With her by my side I feel like I can tackle any obstacle. My vow before was silly. I see that now. Maybe it was good for that part of my life. I think I learned a thing or two.
Now, right here, right now, I have a new direction. I have a new purpose. I just haven’t figured it out yet.
I think that is why I’m back to The Adventures of SMEE …
Ok that was way cheesy…

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


21 April 2010
So it’s been almost a month since I have written anything on my blog. I’m slackin. I can’t say it has been a good month. Actually it has been very trying. I feel like I’m losing control and I can’t figure out where I went wrong and how to get it back. For the first time in a long time I'm questioning everything. I mean, I’m really questioning things. Where I’m going, what I’m doing, what I want. I can’t make any decisions. Usually I’m pretty good at making decisions. I usually have my mind made up before I even realize I have a decision to make. It’s not like they are big decisions. I have to decide whether or not I want to get my dogs balls cut off and if I want to cut my hair or let it grow out a little bit. Why can’t I come to a conclusion about these stupid decisions? For lunch I can’t decide what I want so I just get a little bit of everything. I hate that! I hate that I can’t make a decision for myself. Is this part of PTSD? If it is, it freaking sucks! I wish that there were something I could have removed from my brain. Like a deadly tumor. If it were just something someone could just cut out I would cut it out myself and be done with it.
So now, lets talk about my Vow. I have failed. Well maybe not, but in a way I have. The ultimate kick start to making my life better has been successful for the most part. The doctor said I needed to relieve some frustrations. Also in my Psychology class the teacher said that one of Maslow’s theory’s was that women back in the day were troubled and suffered from mental issues because of there lack of sexual satisfaction. My teacher said that theory is probably wrong but I got me thinking. Could Maslow be right? Could I be making myself crazy by denying myself? Closing my self off from nature’s human needs? So needless to say I did it. I mean I took care of business. Honestly I’m going to be straight forward. My life has become a lot more complicated ever since I gave in to my Natural human desires. I almost feel as if I am being punished for breaking my Vow. I don’t regret anything. I just wish I would have made a few better choices.
So what to do now? I haven’t quite figured that out yet. I’m sure that once I figure out what options I have I won’t be able to make a choice, because of the recent developments in my decision making ability’s. So I think it is safe to say that as of right now I’m pretty much up the creek without a paddle. Time to just go with the flow and hope I end up with my head above water.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Did you see that?

24 March 2010
Hallucinations, you would thing I would be used to them by now.
The last one I had was right after Brandis and I split up. I had the whole police force out on the highway looking for a man I thought was lying on the side of the highway. I can still remember. Dusty steel toed work boots, dirty blue jeans and what looked to be a blue flannel shirt. The thing was however, this guy didn’t exist. By the time I turned my truck around to go help this guy who was laying there, he was gone. The police looked all up and down the highway. On the dirt roads and out in the fields. This so called man was no where to be found.
Then tonight of all nights, I was driving back from Reno with a friend. On the side of the road I saw a man in rags struggling to get up off the pavement. I mean he was really struggling. I thought for a moment and started to grab my phone. I slowed down. I was going to call 911 and try to help this guy out. Then flashbacks of the embarrassing incident from before played in my head. I asked my friend if she saw that. She said what? I said that “Coyote” on the side of the road. She said there was nothing on the side of the road. She didn’t see anything. I dropped her of at her place and went back to the hwy where I saw the man. There was nothing there. Not even a blanket or something that could explain what I saw.

Nope I’m just losing it. Again…

You know the people at the VA say its normal and to be expected. How do you explain that to all those police I sent out there looking for a man lying on the side of the road that doesn’t exist and never existed?

Go Back

I want to go back, where worries are simple. I just need to do my job and survive. It’s not because I want to serve my country. I’ve done that. It’s not so one of my brothers won’t have to go. No, it’s nothing heroic like that. I want to go back because it hurts to be here. I don’t feel right, I don’t fit in. Sometime I think my family would be better off. You know if I was over there doing my job, doing what I’m good at. Over there I had no worries. Here I wonder what’s going to happen next. I sent home money and my bills were paid. Someone did this for me. Hell I made enough money I could ease my family’s struggles also. I could take care of them. Instead there taking care of me. Over there I just did my job and lived my life without a care. Shit, my girlfriend left me while I was over there but I was too busy to care. That felt good. At home, when I found out my girl was off living her new life with her knew man, it nearly killed me. I can still see the scars. I’m lucky I haven’t gone into one of those drunken downward spirals that you can’t get back up from. I’ve come close though. But not over there. Over there I was something someone needed. I want to go back to get away from home and the people here. I’m not like them. I don’t know them and they don’t know me. It’s almost as though we speak a different language. I want to get away from the type of people who complain because they can’t find the right color purse to match their shoes, or they lost cell phone coverage for an hour or so. They annoy me. I don’t care because my boots will always match my weapon. There are far bigger things to consume my time, like when am I going to have a warm shower, and are they going to drop bombs on our heads again tonight?

I want to go back so I don’t have to think about how crazy I am for wanting to go back. I want to go back so I feel normal.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Sex Stress

23 March 2010
So, I enjoy the absence of “Sex Stress”. That is the uncomfortable feeling of. (Should I make the first move? Is she going to make the first move? Dose she want me, do I want her? Really do I want this?) Nope none of that and it feels great. I hung out with a wonderful young lady and her two daughters tonight. We had a good time. Walking the dogs and just hanging out. It was fun. They made me laugh, and smile. I haven’t done that much lately. I think the best part was when the girls went to bed and it was just her and me watching a movie on her couch. It is times like that when the stress gets high and the awkward moments begin. I realized I didn’t have to do anything and that was ok. There was no pressure. I wasn’t ignoring the movie thinking and wondering. Does my breath smell ok? Am I fresh enough? Does she want me? Nope, there was none of that. Instead I sat there with her and enjoyed sitting with her and enjoyed the movie. There were none of those awkward moments where I thought she expected me to do something. For the first time in my life I sat next to an attractive woman I haven’t known for very long and didn’t think about sex. Well ok not possible but it didn’t consume me and control my actions. No, I sat there and enjoyed the movie and her company. That felt great. I mean I felt great. I left her house smiling, not wondering if I did anything wrong. This is fun, and meeting new people without the “Sex Stress” is even better.

Thank you VOW