Questions

7 February 2010
Between yesterday and today things are getting harder. Ok I think I’m ok with the food. I have cravings but that’s normal. Soda I don’t even give a second thought to… That is unless I’m tired and need a little caffeine fix. Then a Mtn. Dew looks simply scrumptious.
My problem right now is the no sex part. Ok I know not being allowed to have it is harder and more tempting. But man I need some physical connection. I mean I want a hug. I want to kiss those soft sweet smiling lips. I need to feel those lips against mine. I want to smell her sweet scent. I want to feel her hair brush against my cheek. I need to feel the warmth of her body next to mine. Oh I think I’m making a mistake. I really do. I haven’t even been in this for more than a week and I’m having second thoughts. I’m trying to figure out what I expect to discover about myself throughout this whole year. What am I going to figure out? That I love women? That I want her? Who is HER? I think I know. But am I right? Who knows? I just know what is here and now, and right now I think I am making a mistake. I need to better myself. I want to be a nicer, better, happier person. But do I really need to cut out Intimacy? Do I need to stop any chance of being with that person who might make me the happiest? What if she is who I’m waiting for to be that happy person I want to be? What if it’s her that will fill this void I have in my life? Do I have the right to put fate on hold because I had a bad year? I don’t know. A week into it and I seem to have more questions, and the answers seem to be even farther away than before.